I Am My Prayer

I Am My Prayer

By: Adi Urit Detwiler

Your Torah warms my bones like the rays of sunshine streaming in through the windows of my room. I have the security of a child, comfortable to be alone in the silence, grateful that there too, you are with me. I begin to think about all the cracks and crevices that most of the world would view as areas that I am broken. I know that I am not broken. I know that these scars are where my most precious beauty lies. For these areas are where I searched for you, and sometimes felt chased by you, begging to find you and sometimes begging to be left alone. Like a diamond that is only found after digging, and getting dirty and often being too exhausted to worry about washing up. I cherish these blemishes. I earned them. I am honored that you saw the strength that existed inside of me. And as we sit here once again in the beautiful silence, I am grateful.

So many times I felt like a blind man groping in the darkness, searching for something familiar. Always looking for the sliver of light, knowing that that is where I can begin to orient myself, calm my mind, and begin to see just how much light is flooding into those cracks. I find it and it fills me, just like the rays of the sun, when I was young and didn’t have a care in the world. I think about the times that that sliver of light saved my life. The moment I figured out the rays of light were emanating from Rabbeinu. The tzaddik that taught me to see that beauty exists in every situation, even if I’m unable, or reluctant, to see. The tzaddik that acknowledged, and fought his own darkness. He taught me to search for the slivers of light. And it was in his light that I began to see my blemishes as battle scars. The areas where I was tougher, stronger, and more resilient. I no longer see them as ugly, or scary, because within them I know there is strength and courage. The Rebbe’s words are like honey on my tongue. Each one enveloped in a sweetness that only comes from being light. Every lesson a new opportunity for growth and connection. May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing before you, Creator of the universe. May I truly become and reflect my prayers. May the only thing that seeps from my cracks and crevices be light.

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